Do They Always Take Precedence Over One’s Spouse and Children?

الحمد لله والصلوة والسلام على رسول الله

Allah, The Exalted, mentions in the Qur’ān:

 إِنَّ اللَّهَ يَأمُرُكُم أَن تُؤَدُّوا الأَماناتِ إِلىٰ أَهلِها وَإِذا حَكَمتُم بَينَ النّاسِ أَن تَحكُموا بِالعَدلِ ۚ إِنَّ اللَّهَ نِعِمّا يَعِظُكُم بِهِ ۗ إِنَّ اللَّهَ كانَ سَميعًا بَصيرًا

Indeed, Allah commands you to render trusts to whom they are due and when you judge between people to judge with justice. Excellent is that which Allah instructs you. Indeed, Allah is ever Hearing and Seeing.

Verse 57, Surah 4 – An-Nisaa – سُورَةُ النِّسَاءِ

It is apparent from this verse that one has a duty to fulfil the rights of every individual; extending from one’s parents, spouse and children, to even a passer-by or somebody unfamiliar.

Secondly, this verse clarifies that one is not permitted to forgo the rights of one (e.g the spouse/children) for the benefit of another (e.g the parents) or vice versa.

Hakim al-Ummah Mawlana Ashraf ‘Ali Thanawi (d.1943) mentions that generally with regard to parental rights, a person is of two extremes: tafreet, whereby one wholly disregards the rights of their parents and deems them unimportant. The other is ifraat, where one exaggerates the rights of parents to the detriment of their spouse and children.

In some circumstances, an individual may exercise ifraat, mistakenly understanding this to be a part of Islam, which in turn leads to disputes and religious doubts. Often, one errs by understanding non-obligatory (غير واجب) acts in service to their parents to be obligatory (واجب).

Considering the above, it is imperative that every individual who must balance the rights of others (in particular parents, spouses and children) knows:

a) The difference between obligatory (واجب) and non-obligatory (غير واجب) rights.

b) What circumstances necessitate and contravene obeying one’s parents.

Below are some core principles one should take heed of when balancing the rights of their family members:

First Principle: It is impermissible to obey a parent’s instruction when that act is prohibited in Islamic Law (Shari’a).

The Prophet Sallallahu Alayhi Wasallam has said:  

لا طاعةَ لمخلوقٍ في معصيةِ الخالقِ

Musnad ahmad 20653

Simply, there is no obedience in the disobedience of the creator. It is not religiosity to obey one’s parents at the expense of their Hereafter. For example, one’s parents may instruct the children to partake in an impermissible custom.

One should, in such circumstances, show the appropriate etiquette, and it does not befit a believer to be harsh when refusing their parent’s instructions; rather, they should show softness, consideration, and respect, being mindful of their rank and honour.

Allah, The Exalted, mentions regarding disbelief (kufr), the most despicable act:

وَإِن جَـٰهَدَاكَ عَلَىٰٓ أَن تُشْرِكَ بِى مَا لَيْسَ لَكَ بِهِۦ عِلْمٌۭ فَلَا تُطِعْهُمَا ۖ وَصَاحِبْهُمَا فِى ٱلدُّنْيَا مَعْرُوفًۭا ۖ

But if they pressure you to associate with Me what you have no knowledge of, do not obey them. Still keep their company in this world courteously.

Surah Luqman Verse 15

So, what can then be said of lesser acts of disobedience? By default, one should display the utmost respect and decorum to their parents, despite any differences.

Second Principle: If one’s parents prevents one from fulfilling an obligatory act, it will be impermissible to obey them.

Example One: One desires to perform the obligatory Hajj, having sufficient means. However, his parents request him to not go. Here, it is evident that the right of Allah (Huqooq Allah) will precede the parent’s wishes.

Example Two: A wife wishes to have her own accommodation (i.e, live separate from her in-laws), which is her right in the marriage. Even if her husband’s parents refuse, it will be impermissible for the husband to obey his parents and remain in his parent’s house, at the expense of his wife’s rights.

Example Three: Parents may request financial support from their child; however, by providing support, one is unable to fulfil the rights of their spouse(s) and children. Here, one must first ensure that the rights of his spouse(s) and children are fulfilled before fulfilling his parent’s request.

Third Principal: With regard to obeying parental instruction for permissible things, there are two contexts:

i. If an act is deemed necessary, but the parents instruct the opposite. For example: One has no option but to move away from home to financially support his family, and his parents wish to prevent him, then he is not required to obey his parents. However, as highlighted earlier, one must maintain respect and softness to his parents, despite refusal of their request.

ii. If such an act is not necessary: One must obey his parents especially when their reasoning is rightful (e.g., fear of potential harm or the need for their child’s service).

The aforementioned points are a summary of تعديل حقوق الوالدين, a risalah penned by Hakim al-Ummah Mawlana Ashraf ‘Ali Thanawi (d.1943). The full risalah, along with the various references can be located in: Imdad al-Fatawa Jadeed, vol. 10 (p.226)/vol. 4 (p.280).

The writer hopes that by summarizing Islam’s perspective on balancing the rights of Allah Ta’alah and individual rights, insha’Allah, it will enable the reader to appropriately navigate this prevalent issue that has the potential to fracture families and society.

والعلم عند الله سبحانه وتعالى

Ibn Hasanah